We were twisted into some impossible pose in Yoga class today, all knotted up with our arms stretched behind our backs and our eyes closed, and all I could think of was Abu Ghraib during a photo shoot. We ended our class in classic "corpse" pose, which I had never heard called that before, the simple supine laying down, hands at our sides, eyes closed. We were supposed to then relax our entire body, starting at the tips of our toes and slowly working our way along up to our faces. I tried not to smile as I thought up more yoga positions: Chalk Outline Pose, Pedestrian Crossing Pose (or AOL Instant Messenger Pose), Cingular Wireless Pose, Washington Crossing the Delaware Pose, Reaching For Top Shelf Chocolate Stash Pose. I had to work hard to relax my facial muscles, but I eventually succeeded in feeling the earth supporting my body as I melted into my purple mat.

Why no one should be without ornamental grass 

Schizoid Lawn Dilemma, Part II

The Environmental Protections Agency estimates that 70 million pounds of active pesticide ingredient (the vast part of each bag you buy, the filler, isn't even counted in that total) is used each year by Americans to treat their 40 million acres of precious turf. In pursuit of what amounts to a living Astroturf -- unreasonably perfect in every way, please, without a weed or blemish -- we spend $6.9 billion a year (1991 figures) on do-it-yourself products alone, says the nonprofit National Gardening Association in Vermont. And we spend lots more hiring professionals to do the work for us, too.

Chemical-free lawncare is being touted as being to the 90s what recycling was to the 80s -- the thing to do, the savvy way to handle things. Exciting developments like safer remedies for problems and grass breeds that grow slower, greener and healthier naturally, are making a "green" -- as in environmental -- lawn possible.

Around the country, forward-thinking communities are testing bans on lawncare's worse aspects: forbidding loud, gas-guzzling mowers; outlawing pesticides and herbicides or requiring those who do use them to post prominent signs that say so; severely limiting watering, and, in the most dramatic cases of all, making the installation of a traditional lawn against the law altogether.

Of course, there's nothing so soft underfoot, or so nice to lie on, as a well tended lawn. On beautiful summer days, I wouldn't trade mine in for anything -- even the smell of fresh-cut grass pleases me, filed as it is into my deepest memory as far back as my first summer, I suppose.

But my lawn is smaller than it once was, and shrinking every season in favor of groundcovers, flower and shrub gardens, and even a patch of meadow. I haven't fed it or limed it in eight years. I've also given up my images of perfection, and learned to live with some weeds. Five to ten percent weeds doesn't warrant chemical warfare, the new thinking goes, so I just mow them and enjoy their fresh green color in the crazy quilt that is my lawn. When I get up from my nap on this pleasing outdoor carpet -- clover, crabgrass and all -- I'll dig out a few dandelions in the name of a beautiful, but chemical-free, future.

- Margaret Roach

Great Writers Can't Always Spel

Every parent likes to think their children are creative, but really - my oldest son is so creative . . . okay, bear with me here. His fifth grade teacher has the students write out their spelling words each week before the day of the test, using them in sentences of their own devising. Because my son's handwriting is sloppy to the point of being cryptic, his teacher told him he could do his sentences on the computer at home each week and e-mail them back to school to her address, where they are then printed, corrected, graded and returned to him. Since all of this stuff is now on our hard drive, I can review his work and share some of it with you. Some of these I can explain, but others I just don't understand at all. The spelling words are noted in bold print:

It was thoughtful of you, but next time don't interfere.
He gracefully unsheathed his sword and scanned the clearing.
The peaceful sensation slowly clouded his mind.
Repay me now and I might not kill you.
Me caveman from prehistoric times!
PLACH! I don't believe in that predicting stuff.
The unknown was waiting.
Report to me at ones!
Carrot stew, eyeballs, and liver. Mmmmmmm, my favorite.
He clutched it loosely in his palm.
Polly puked at the site of polish.
CH-CH. We are having gopher stew.
The ledge collapsed and so did he.
His jealousy was predictable.
Poly Popper picked plump poisoned plums.
Carry Codeil copes with corrupting crumbs.
Clark's committee confesses controlling congress.
A condemn exploded at the force of the bomb.
Nature took over.
Kneel before the king if you value your life.
First comes dough, then the bread.
The playwright wrote the play right.
No danger was insight.
Whittle me timber!
The medicine held sore thoughts.
The scientific word for water is h2o.
"Draw your sword, you cowered!"
The window was condensed.
I found the right peace, and inserted it.
Jimmy opened up the cellar door . . . and was never seen again.
The spatial surprise is in the other room.
He worked as a consumer.
The sheared sheep shook shamelessly.
He suddenly stood up in alert.
Abe liken was a pioneer.
Shy purpose to him.
He had an affair with him.
Oh it is just a harmless beast. Ah, it bit me!
An arc is a big ship made out of wood.
I have a veritable taste.
My decision was partial.
Mining in Alaska was considered illegal after what happened to Jimmy.


With a couple more spelling tests before the end of the school year, I may feel the need to add to this list. Poor Jimmy!

In the Beginning, God Made Water . . .

We were eating dinner tonight and Laura asked for a glass of water. Sam asked if we were going to run out of water on earth some day. I explained that water, to the best of my limited knowledge, was sort of a constant on earth, within our atmosphere - we always have the same amount. No more, no less in the entire system as a whole. My husband said that we just keep using it over and over - we dirty it, we mix it, we take it in and we give it out. I added that the water we're taking in at this meal was possibly peed out thousands of years before by Jesus himself. Sam didn't like that idea, but I explained that urine was mainly water and that it was sterile.

Gibby then asked: Did Jesus pee to make water? (meaning to create water itself, as in "In the beginning . . .") We all burst out laughing. Things sure get weird around here.

Pimple Migration

If my face is Wisconsin and my butt is a beach in Florida, then my pubescent acne must have suddenly reached retirement age.

Hey Dad, are you still proud of me?